everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
