don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
