No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
