You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
