i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
