if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
