it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
