so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
