peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
