Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
the room spins SO much faster in panama
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
