just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
