We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize