You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I think my fart just growled at me.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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