My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
