he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
