she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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