there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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