Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
