If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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