he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
