Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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