so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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