I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Randomize
