My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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