drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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