Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
