it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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