omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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