You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize