i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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