the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
