I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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