You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
