i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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