I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
