Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
