Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
