it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
they need to just BURY HIM!
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
