Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
