I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
