Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Do vagina's smell?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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