My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
