I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
