I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
