U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
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