I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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