You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
