I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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