i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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