I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
