She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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