Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Randomize
