The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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