he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize