New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize