Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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