stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
