I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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